Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We are all done wearing pants today
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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