ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
