Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
