We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
