It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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