i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
