So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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