my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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