I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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