dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
