my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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