I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
