I am spending my child support on dildos
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
