I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My breasts were aching with rage.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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