Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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