this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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