Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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