I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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