Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
