I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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