I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Randomize
