the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
