i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
