On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
