Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
