Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
