I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I would ride that face into the sunset
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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