Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
