turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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