There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
