did you get engaged???
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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