You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
