I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
