Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
