so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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