It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
