mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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