she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
