The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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