I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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