Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
