Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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