well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
