I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
