Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
