she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
