i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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