When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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