You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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