well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
