If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
